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  “The police are outside,” he said.

  His father must’ve called them after I left his ass. Ohhhh, I did threaten Ricardo to his father.

  Ricardo went downstairs to get the door and I followed. I wasn’t stupid enough to test a bunch of trigger-happy cops, so I waited for them to come in. The officers came in with their guns drawn and Ricardo’s father was right there.

  “Whoa! What’s going on? Y’all need to get the fuck outta my house!” Ricardo told the cops. One of them pushed me on the floor and handcuffed me.

  “Why are y’all grabbing her like that? Don’t say a word, Essa. I’m gonna come and get you,” Ricardo said. I heard an officer get on his walkie-talkie to call an ambulance for Ricardo. He had a swollen eye, busted lip, a bloody nose and scratches on his face and neck. I, on the other hand, didn’t have one mark on my body. It definitely showed I was the aggressor.

  “She came to my office and threatened my son! She needs to be thrown in jail!” Benjamin told the cops.

  “Really, Father? She’s my fucking son’s mother!” Ricardo yelled.

  “She embarrassed us. You just had to get a baby mama, huh? I raised you better than that!” Benjamin yelled at Ricardo. The two officers escorted me out the house in handcuffs. Ricardo ran outside behind us. The officers told him to stand back while they put me in the back seat of a squad car. Benjamin’s bitch-ass stood in front of the house with his hands in his pockets. I understood wanting what’s best for your kids, but Benjamin went overboard. It was either that or I was that much of a flaw—my self-esteem completely dropped.

  Essa

  A month later…

  “Y ou have a visitor,” a guard told me at the detention center. I had been there waiting for a court date, but that’s not all; my bail was denied! I’ve seen people kill, rob and get busted with a lot of drugs, get bail but not me. It had Benjamin’s name written all over it. The guard placed handcuffs around my wrists to escort me to the visiting room. That month in the detention center was worse than anything I could ever imagine. I hadn’t seen my son since I was locked up. Ricardo visited me almost every day but refused to bring my child because he didn’t want him in that setting. The hate I had for him grew every day to the point where I wanted to kill him—shit, I might as well have for all I was going through. I should’ve drove a knife right through his heart and watched him bleed to death. When I sat down behind the thick plastic window, a woman was sitting right in front of me. I’d never seen her before. Usually my visitors were my cousins, Ricardo and my uncles. She adjusted herself in the seat, and it was clear she was very uncomfortable.

  Why is this hoe here if I’m makin’ her uncomfortable?

  I picked up the phone and she did the same.

  “I know this is a little awkward but I’m Evelyn, the woman who has been messing around with Ricardo. I’m here because I want to know why he’s still visiting you. We’re in a relationship now,” she said.

  “Do you think I still want him? I still intimidate you even though I’m behind bars? Fuck you and Ricardo!”

  While she was saying a bunch of nothing, I was observing her. Evelyn was cute in the face and plus-size like me even though she was a little more solid. Ricardo definitely had a type. For some reason, I was picturing a woman of another race, perhaps prettier and smaller. Her hair was a bit old-timey, she wore the classic part in the middle with a roller wrap set. Her burgundy lipstick made me cringe and so did the pearls around her neck. On a scale of one to ten, I rated her a seven.

  Oh, that’s what it is. Her pearls and ugly lipstick seem more fit into his life than my braids, stiletto nails, eyelashes and pink lip gloss. Tuh, this nigga was so pressed to get a corporate type bitch and ended up getting someone who looked like his mama.

  Evelyn was either too old fashioned or she was actually older than Ricardo. She looked to be around thirty-eight.

  “Look, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, but this is harassment. You can have that nigga, Deloris. I wish you two punk bitches the best of luck,” I finally replied.

  “My name is Evelyn!”

  “But you look like a Deloris grandma Pearlie. Now carry the fuck on,” I spat. She bit the inside of her cheek and leaned closer to the window. That hoe really thought she was intimidating me.

  “I know what kind of bitch you are, Lyessa. And that horrible name fits the woman it belongs to. I’ve been with Ricardo before you came into the picture! And trust me, we could’ve had a family by now if you didn’t trap him. You saw a brother with a good career and what did you do? Get pregnant within months of dating him. My pussy was still on his tongue, wench,” she said.

  “Well, if I stole your life that quick then maybe you need to have that talk with your pussy, De-lor-is! And just for the record, I didn’t trap Ricardo. He threw away my birth control pills. Did he tell you that? Chile, this whole Have and Have Not Veronica act ain’t scaring me. You think I’m shook cause you showed your true colors by speakin’ lingo and changing your voice? Almost every woman like you came from where I came from so this façade ain’t foolin’ me, Sis. Peace and blessings, oh and you need your ends clipped, bitch!” I hung up the phone while Evelyn was still talking and told the guard I was done with my visit. That hoe had some kind of nerve. I had to share a cell with a few other girls. Most of them were cool and one of them I knew because she was friends with my cousin, Tinka. We called her, Baby Head Poo. She was always getting caught for stealing dumb stuff. Baby Head Poo was locked up for taking three bottles of OPI fingernail polish. She had a bail, but nobody wasn’t trying to pay it.

  “Who was that, Essa? Your baby father again? That nigga fine as hell,” Baby Head Poo said when I sat on my bunk. She got the name because of her extremely small head. It had to be a condition because her head was the size of a five-year-old on a grown woman’s body. To add insult to injury, she had so much hair it looked too heavy for her head.

  “Naw, that was his bitch,” I replied.

  “Wait a minute. His woman came here to see you? For what?” A Hispanic girl named Alejandra asked. Alejandra was locked up for gift card fraud.

  “Pretty much. I can’t wait to get out of here,” I replied, and everyone agreed.

  “I need some Monistat or sumthin. My coochie itchin’ from the cheap ass soap they have in here. See, I gotta stop stealin’ stuff,” Baby Head Poo said. She didn’t have any shame scratching. Baby Head Poo was itching like she had fleas and it was making me itch.

  “You need a douche,” a girl named Cup said. Cup was sorta the bully because she was a butch and was taller than us. She used to tell us how she played women’s basketball, but she started doing drugs.

  “You da one who probably gave it to me witchu yah nasty ass,” Baby Head Poo replied.

  “Wait a minute, y’all bumpin’ conchas while me and Essa are sleepin’?” Alejandra asked.

  “And I think she gave me crabs or sumthin,” Baby Head Poo said. She and Cup argued for a long time before they ended up getting into a fight. Two guards came into our cell to break it up and escort them out. Alejandra burst out laughing. I couldn’t help but to laugh myself. It had been a while since I even cracked a smile. I was very depressed. I lost my job and wouldn’t have a place to go once I was released but I had a little money saved up, but it wasn’t enough to last me for two months. On top of that, my father violated his probation and had to serve three years in prison for robbery. I found out from Ricardo during his last visit. He claimed he tried to help my father, but I knew it was a lie because he said he was done helping him. It seemed like I betrayed my whole family behind Ricardo.

  “What are you doin’ when you get out?” Alejandra asked when she laid on her bunk.

  “I have to find a place. I can’t stay with my family because I have a kid, but push comes to shove, I might have to.”

  “You know there are apartments for women with no income. It’s sorta like Section-8 but with this one it only allows you to stay there for two years then you ha
ve to move. It’s enough time to get back on your feet after losing everything. It’s hard finding a job with a record. That’s how I got into gift card fraud. I caught one stupid charge from when I was younger, and it made it hard for me to find a decent payin’ job to afford my bills. Once you have a record, you have to do everything you can to survive, and chances are, it’ll get so bad where you might end up right back here. I’m just tired,” she said.

  “Where are the homes?”

  “Probably twenty minutes away from here. They are called Manor Apartments. It’s only a year old. I was going to go there the first time I got out of jail, but they were full. So, good luck,” she said, and I thanked her.

  I went from making nineteen dollars an hour to making nothing. My car was in Ricardo’s name and so was the house. I literally didn’t have shit and it was all because of a man—an ungrateful bastard. My eyes watered but I didn’t let the tears fall. I had to put on my big girl panties and deal with everything because of the decisions I made.

  Four months later…

  I walked out the detention center with the clothes I had on my back the day I went in. They did me so dirty, had me sitting in the detention center for five months waiting for a court date. The charges were dropped for assaulting Ricardo, but he had full custody of Ke’Ari. So, basically, I was locked up so those assholes could legally steal my son away from me. The only charge I had was for putting Ke’Ari in danger when I showed up at Ricardo’s job. Benjamin had people at the firm give a statement against me and said I was trying to fight him while holding my son to use him as a shield. It was July and I had on winter clothes. I was sweating and the cornrows I had going straight back on my head were sticking to my neck. The bus stop was five miles away and I didn’t have money to catch a cab. I cursed myself for cutting everyone off while I was locked up. By cutting them off, I asked them not to visit me. Ricardo was the only one who didn’t fall through with my request. It was a very embarrassing situation for me and I wanted to deal with it alone, but I received a lot of letters from my cousins and uncles.

  “Damn, I gotta walk in this heat!” I said aloud. Maryland’s summer was humid and musty. My underarms needed shaving and they were already smelling funny from sweating in the detention center. While walking, a black Bentley drove alongside of me with tinted windows. I was in the middle of nowhere and something could’ve happened to me. The car drove closer, so I took off running.

  “ESSA!” a familiar voice called out.

  Ricardo was standing by the car when I turned around. He was dressed in a pair of jean shorts, a collared shirt and tennis shoes. I used to think he was so sexy when he wore regular clothes.

  “I’m here to pick you up and take you home. I called this morning and they told me what time they were releasing you. I have some clothes for you and booked you a room because I know you don’t want come back to the house with me. After you fix yourself up, we can pick up our son from daycare,” he said. Him mentioning Ke’Ari’s name temporarily erased the ill feelings I had for him. I headed towards his car and got into the passenger’s seat. The AC almost put me to sleep, that’s how good it felt.

  “Your hair has grown a lot,” he said but I was silent.

  “Essa, please just talk to me, baby. I can’t control the things my father did, but I promise you that I did everything I could do so you wouldn’t get time,” he said.

  “Talk to you about what? How you let that man ruin my life and let that ugly bitch of yours visit me just so she could brag about how long you have been fuckin’ her? I’m over you, so there is nothing to discuss if it isn’t about Ke’Ari.”

  “Wait, Evelyn visited you? When? Why? I mean, I know why but why you didn’t tell me?” he asked.

  “Please just stop talkin’ to me!” I yelled at him. Ricardo took off his shades and stared at me.

  “I don’t know how to move on, Essa. I cannot move on from you. For these past months, I tried to get over you because I know you’ll never take me back, but I can’t. Baby, I just don’t know how. I proposed to Evelyn and I’m still unhappy. What do you want me to do? Get on my knees and beg you back?” he said. Everything he said sounded good, but I missed five months of my son’s life and wasted three years of mine.

  “Give me the time back you made me waste.”

  “That’s not fair. You know I can’t do that,” he replied.

  “Exactly! There is nothing you can do for me, Ricardo. You got what you wanted which is Ke’Ari and a fiancée. What else do you fuckin’ need?” Ricardo put the car in drive then pulled out onto the main road. The drive to the city was a quiet one. Ricardo was listening to Meek Mill’s Wins and Losses album. Surprisingly he liked rap music but criticized hood folks. When he pulled up to the hotel, valet came to his car. I got out of the car and Ricardo grabbed a shopping bag from his trunk. By walking into the hotel, I could tell it was a five-star.

  This nigga booked a fancy hotel like he fittin’ to get some pussy. Tuh! He better get some from pearls-wearing Deloris.

  I stood off to the side so Ricardo could get another hotel room key from the front desk because he lost it. While I was waiting for him, a guy walked into the lobby on his cellphone. He wore a sleeveless shirt, shorts and pair of Huaraches. The stranger’s watch was filled with diamonds and he had gold diamond teeth in the bottom of his mouth. I wanted to hide because of how busted I looked. When he looked in my direction, I turned my head.

  “You’re on the fifth floor,” Ricardo said when approached me, but I was busy looking at the fine ass brother in the lobby.

  “ESSA!” Ricardo said.

  “I heard you.”

  “What are you looking at?” he asked. When Ricardo turned around, the stranger was gone. We stepped onto the elevator and Ricardo pressed the button to the fifth floor. My room was the second door closest to the elevator. Ricardo swiped the card across the key pad and the door opened. When I walked into the suite, rose petals were on the floor and the room was filled with a whole lot of welcome home things like bears, balloons and more shopping bags.

  “I need to shit, shower then shave,” I said. He scratched the back of his neck, uncomfortable because of my bluntness. I would’ve farted around him if I had to and that was something I never did before.

  “Umm, okay. I got you some personal items on the sink along with your favorite bikini waxing kit,” he said.

  “Your fiancée knows you’re still trying to pursue me?”

  “Honestly, she does. I’m willing to leave her for you,” he admitted.

  “You took my son away from me. The worst thing you can do to a mother who loves her child.”

  “You have a child endangerment charge! And those cannot be justified. The whole firm gave a statement, they are on my father’s side. I mean, they work for him. This has nothing to do with me and you know this. My father doesn’t like you because you remind him of my real mother,” Ricardo said. I wasn’t expecting that because I thought his mother was his birth mother. Either way, they had family issues and was targeting me because of their insecurities. That wasn’t fair and no matter what, his father would never accept me.

  “My real mother was a very bad woman. Came from a shitty background and didn’t want nothing for herself. She used my father then one day left him for a thug. My father has issues and, yes, he spread them on me my whole life and I’m trying to break them,” Ricardo said.

  “But at the end of the day, you have to choose him over me and as you should because I’m not your wife. My family isn’t fond of you neither, but I never cared or tried to change you. I loved you more than you could ever love me and that’s not good enough. You need to grow up before you can be in a healthy relationship and stop letting your father dictate your life.”

  Ricardo laid on the bed and rubbed his temples. I couldn’t help but to notice how stressed he looked. A part of me was waiting for Ricardo to say, “Essa, I’ll do anything to get my family back, even if it means cutting off my father.” Sometimes you have to c
ut people off if they can’t stand to see you happy. Ricardo wasn’t looking for a way out, he was looking for another way to hide me from his father. He thought I was stupid. The real reason he proposed to that bitch, Evelyn, was to distract his father from me and him. At the end of the day, Ricardo still wanted to keep me in the shadows. After thinking deeply about it, I’ve only been around his family twice throughout the whole three years. I thought maybe his family was just too busy, but I was wrong.

  The bathroom sink had a lot of my favorite things, including perfume. I closed the bathroom door and locked it. After waxing my bikini line, shaving my legs and plucking my eyebrows, I stepped into the shower where I stayed for forty minutes. Everything that was happening seemed like a dream because I didn’t feel like the same person anymore. Ricardo was sitting on the couch drinking when I walked out the bathroom.